wtf?

i haven't updated for a few days, not since i was told i wrote shit instead of shirt and that was just a correction. but anyway, moving on. i haven't updated not because there hasn't been news, but because i haven't ben home for the past 3 nights, or not at an appropriate time or in an appropriate mood to be getting on and updating.
so, i'll start from the beginning. tuesday night:
i realise how content i am here and with myself. pretty happy in plain old general.
wednesday:
go to t.g.i friday's, like usual, meet the new male au pair. i got a weird vibe from him but completely ignored as i'd become content with myself and not having to impress boys. he seemed nice, very quiet and i was having a good night.
thursday:
tina calls me and i was tired from the night before and from the day i say no. marwin (the new guy) calls me and is at kellie's and they want to know if i want to meet up. i said sure why not? tina is boring sometimes, she would have made me miss my bed. so when he called i thought it'd be nice to know more about him, like what he did before he came here, if he likes his family, the usual shit we ask people to get to know them. so that didn't happen. like usual kellie and rodolfo can't oganise themselves out of a paper bag so when we finally get to firkins her and rodolfo go outside to smoke. this to me is weird and i'm like, you cna smoke at the bar, or ask if we can smoke at the tables yet, and they're like, no no no, we'll go outside. so me and marwin are sitting there and he starts asking me questions, like the type of guys i go for, do i prefer white or black (i didn't say the honest answer cause how do you say to a black guy i didn't feel attracted to you from the start?) and blah blah blah. finsihing off saying he had a dream about me the night before and then kellie and rodolfo come back in and save me. so when i said, i really have to go, he goes, oh no you need to come with m to irect me back from kellie's and i'll bring you back to your car. am i too innocent and nice??? so i say, if i must, but we're leaving now. an you know what? he knew the way from kellie's place. even better, he knew the short cut which i always forget. so in this time, he starts talkng to me about his dream, wondering why he had it, all this random shit. i was flattered. who wouldn't be? but at the same time, i have non sexual dreams. he wouldn't tell me his. i got to thinking he never had the dream, but that thought came later. anyway, i got back to my car and sped away from the carpark.
friday night:
friday was stressful workwise so when he called me 'just to say hello' i was at the point where i was going to snap so i wasn't chatty. i picked him up after i finished work and got ready. went to firkins again. there was a few of us and it was all going nicely, i was having fun, lost the feeling in my teeth for a while thanks to jack daniels. then it was late and he bought me another drink (i was driving let me remind you) and i was like, it has to be a miller lite or something cause if i get pulled over i'm fucked. so from there it isn't far to his place, which i was thankful for cause the gas light had come on when i left home, i only had so much time before i needed the toilet again and by this point i didn't want to be talking about dreams. i still didn't know what he does back home, what he wants to do when he gets back, the getting to know you stuff. well. he tells me to turn off the car. i should have started honking the horn to get him out. but i did it, when the gas light comes on i get freaked out. and the next bit is being shortened as i think i couln't get him out of the car for half an hour. he told he was 'deeply in love' with me. i actually laughed looked at the clock and said, we've known each other for about 53 hours. then he's talking about kellie's on saturday night, can i make alternative arrangements blah blah blah and i'm like, no, the point of staying at kellie's is because i can drink as much as i want and it's logistically perfect for if i go to kenosha the next day, and where would i stay? him, well you could stay here, we could (get the spew bucket) make love. well. i wasn't flattered. i was repulsed. that term makes my tummy turn. this guy was a complete fruitloop. i was like you know nothing about me, you don't know if i've got a boyfriend back home, if i'm interested in anyone. and i remember him saying stuff like i've probably had 'many partners' in america and back home but he will be the best, he loves me. i'm thinking, now i'm a slut, great. so in the end i say i really need the bathroom (guess the response, oh come inside, you can use mine and stay the night), i have to get gas and go to bed, i start work in 8 hours (i like numbers obviously, counting calms me i think), just get out of the car. a few other things i said, i think it's settled, he gets that i just want friends, ask for a hug and oh god damn stupid me, he kisses me. can i be any stupider? am i too friggin nice? where did my bitch qualities go? i have to literally push this guy off me. an action i've never performed before. and he was bigger than me, he's taller and stronger so i used all energy to do so. i tell him to just please get out. he does so. i say i'll call you tomorrow about the details for tomorrow night, trying to be nice. he's like, can't i call you earlier? and i'm like, why? and he says, just to say hi and i'm like no, i'm working. so hen i drive away i'm so angry and upset i'm shaking.
saturday night:
work was pretty good, emily woke from her nap calling out 'kelly kelly kelly kelly' normally it's mummy. so i'm running up the stairs going 'emily' and when i run in she's looking at me through the bars of her crib with the biggest grin. she's adorable. anyway, so i call kellie, get the details for the night and spill the beans about marwin and the night before, begging for her not to say a word to rodolfo. which i don't think she did. so when i pick up marwin it's all normal then he says i'm a good kisser i'm like, fuck off, i didn't kiss you back and if i did i was regaining my composure. when we get to kellie's i really didn't want to be sitting next to him, which of course, i ended up next to him. but the night was pretty fun and i had a couple of drinks, am still very cautious about drinking and driving, especially because the night before i was scared that i was over the limit. so anyway, they start playing truth or dare and i hate truth or dare. it's a passionate hate. so i refuse to play. which i'm pretty sure pisses rodolfo off the most. so he asks marwin this question like 'out of the girls here, who would you like to fuck the most right now?' knowing full well what the answer was. and there was only me, kellie and angelika, and marwin, his one good deed, said 'whoever would like me to'. so i was saved for a minute. well, then marwin chose a dare at some point and rodolfo dared him to kiss me. because i wasn't playing this couldn't actually happen so i was like, no, it's not happening. so he got really pissed and said i should be playing cause i'm helping people out with dares to give people that it's unfair. i was getting angry. so he dared marwin to do a strip tease dance involving a lap dance on mine and angelika's laps. well, this got me. i'd had enough. if i wanted someone to play match mker i'd prefer they'd know my type. and on top of that on friday he'd looked me in the eye and using a lighter had given the whole look of giving head to it. completely perverted. very graphic. so, i had two notions. one: smash an empty bottle over his head o two: get up and leave. due to not wanting to be arrested i chose two. very responsible. so i did. angelika thought i'd lost it completely and so she couldn't understand why i'd reacted that way. i drove her and marwin home. who proceeded to kiss me again and again i told him to stop and again i ended up pushing him off.
so yeah, i saw him today but we weren't alone and i had all the girls for armour who i (don't care if it was obvious) hid behind the whole time.
and now, after talking to someone very helpful, comfirmed he is a psycho and to avoid being alone with him. he has the numbers for everyone else so he can call them. and unless i've someone else in the car with me, he won't be getting a ride.
oh and to top it off. i made some SERIOUS damage to my account today. ent and spent over $100 on clothes. and plus more money at victoria's secret. will returning some pants as they weren't as cheap as i'd have wanted them to be and because i felt bad about the amount of money i spent. very guilty.
anyway, hope this week is better. my parents arrive on friday and i am very excited! but we have angelika's goodbye this week as magda and i are on vacation when she actually leaves. and i'm working for 6 days!! i probably won't go out wednesday night to tgi friday's which will be good to avoid rodolfo and marwin but then i might, just so if people hear about saturday night won't think i've completely lost it.
bed time for me. i'm very tired!

insomnia

now, i've had those bouts where i didn't do enough during the day so i'm still awake and my mind won't rest but last night it was hardcore insomnia, i watched tv, read then thought, time for bed, it's getting late. i turn off the late and i was wide awake. like nothing would get me to sleep. normally i tell myself a story in my head but i was so restless. so i thought i could either scrapbook or read. so i decided on reading. which i did until i had enough and laid down and i think i did the staring thing. i felt unsettled for some reason. anyway, i've never not been able to sleep here (unless i was sick) because i'm generally so fucked from working and the kids. and i now wonder if it's because i slightly regret cutting my hair this short. i want my long hair back. but if i don't think it then maybe that feeling will disappear.
anyway, the day went better than yesterday. we went to the pool after dinner and i went through torture on a water slide that i couldn't sit up in so had to lie down (it was a tunnel) which meant i couldn't actually see when the slide was ending so i ended up flying into the water and it going up my nose. first and last time i go on that slide. but it was good, got in the 12ft pool to use my energy up so can just collapse in bed tonight, which was a good idea i thought, i should go and swim more, except i'm plagued with chelle's comment saying i look like i'm diving for buried treasure with each stroke.
on he uni side of things vtac still hasn't opened up vtac applications, i'm wondering how late is late july going to be? mum heard they're offering more education courses in the city next year which would be nice, except i want it to be at la trobe in bundoora. and la trobe offer it in bendigo and mildura nd if ballarat was a pain to study at and stay living at home imagine either of those places? so vic uni offer it, but, as horrible as this sounds, it's vic uni. and melb uni offers it as as far as i' conerned, it's not an option because even if they accepted me i couldn't accept myself as going there (sorry, it's the stigma, so prestigious, i wouldn't want that shite rubbed on me).
anyway, that's all for now. tomorrow i shall finish my scrapbook. which is like signing off on my first 6 months here. it's sunk in that i not only lasted but i'm going to finish this off. i finally feel like i've grown up. crazy! love ya

lots happening

well, i should have posted on saturday but i had no time and last night i was so tired i couldn't be bothered. the weekend was very big. friday night i ended up having to take the mini van out (feel like a tool when i do and i've no kids). i went to dinner with angelika and magda to a mexican restuarant, was nice food and great to spend time just the three of us. then we went to firkins, nothing new there, mind you angelika and i were smoking at the bar and this guy (dickhead) turns around and the conversation goes like this:
dickhad: can you please find somewhere else to smoke?
me: (looking along the bar) uh no
dickhead: well we were here before you and we're not smoking
me: well we can't go anywhere else and we can't smoke at the table.
dickhead: well yeah, we weren't smoking
by this point in time i think he realised i'd have been up for an argument so he was getting a bit uneasy about the confrontation, didn't want to be embarrassed in front of the lady he was attempting to entertain.
me: we're not moving, there's no where to go
dickhead: well just don't blow in my face (turns around to group - how can we blow in his face?!)
idiot. now why stand at the bar if you won't smoke? we can't go to the bar cause there's never enough room so end up at a table where we can't smoke.
saturday i slept in then went to old navy where i got a nice shirt to wear on saturday night, go it for $5, bargain. then in the arvo i dog sat while i was getting ready, spent an hour on my hair and shouldn't have bothered. i really should have got a before photo because we get to kelly clarkson, lining up for a t-shirt and it starts pissing down rain within 20 mins. it ruined my hair within the first drop because i'd straightened it, so i wasn't about to go running for cover, i was staying in that line. the concert was alright. not the best i've seen. kelly was awesome, but the venue sucked. i wasn't impressed with the sound at all, when she spoke between songs e couldn't hear her and we were in the middle. maybe the people on the lawn had speakers out there, i dunno, i just now i could turn and talk to kellie at a normal level and be heard perfectly. the rain was louder.
then we went back to kel's and drank and played 'i have never'. always an interesting game. especially with boys, they always do things which manage to gross me out.
sunday when i got home i spoke to lozz then met angelika at gurnee mills and only spent $3 at starbucks, record for me! she came back here, pat and the kids were still out, so we sat around and talked then magda came over and the three of us made dinner and ate it together. it's so nice hanging out with them.
and today... i started at 12, was supposed to be 1 but pat had a work emergency, so i got up just after 10 and went and had my hair chopped off. it hasn't been this short for probably 2 years. it's pretty short. i don't think i'll tell mum and dad i did it, might surprise them with it. so by the time i get home in 7 months i'm hoping it'll be back to the length it was when i woke this morning. i just wanted the perm gone, even though it actually looked really nice now and i could wear my hair down with it. ah well, never mind.
anyway, so that's me, up to date. only a week and a half until my parents arrive which means two weeks til vacation, aahhhh, that'll be nice.

so i've had two thoughts over the last two days. of course there's been more, but two OUT OF THE ORDINARY which means they struck me as life altering. yesterday i was driving to pick emily up from alex's school (she was being used as an example of a child in alex's babysitting class, what a fine example) and i thought, 'i wouldn't mind extending for 6 months or so' once this was out i quickly squashed it. my head should really be concerntrating on the road and doing the turn, rather than pulling out thoughts from my subconscious. and then i squashed it further by thinking, home would be nice. then i'm pretty sure my subconscious began to sing, give me a home amoung the gum trees, with lots of plum trees etc etc. and today! out of the ordinary thought number 2 - i thought i'd like to be a primary school teacher, i love little kids books. i was at the library if you're beginning to get concerned about my thinking processes. i also want a classroom of paintings and writing on the board and stinky kids to call me miss hookey. so i looked up courses and la trobe offered shit for primary and so i looked at every uni, including csu and the horible uni of melb (even if they offered it i couldn't have gone there, far too pretenious for me). and csu was up in wagga or dubbo or somewhere and i refuse to go to such towns. then, resorting to vtac and looking at all the uni's on there i still wasn't satisfied until i realised that i hadn't exhausted all options and saw i'd forgotten about uni of ballarat/crackafat. and guess what?! they have the course. it's pretty good too which impressed me of course and i could still live at home and just spend about 3 hours commuting each day i have uni. sounds crazy right? of course i could find out if i have classes spread across the week because that might alter my decision but if they're 15 hours packed into 2 or 3 days that'd be perfect huh? well, i'll apply anyway. or i will after i find out if part-time is an option for the first semester or two. brilliant huh? anyway, no more me news, i'm completely fucked from work. i yelled so loud today i gave even myself a fright, and pat is at work and i'm technically not working but can't leave the house cause the kids are here. not that i mind, i'll probably hit the hay later. oh and i met her intern tonight and he is going to australia in a couple of weeks which excited me, well, i would've been more so if i wasn't pushing a stroller and carrying my now cold macca's burger in my handbag because i couldn't eat it while driving or at the courthouse where i was disposing of emily and alex or on the way back to gurnee to drop matthew off at baseball practise. i was also trying to keep them quiet because we were in a couthouse with lawyers and security and stuff all around the place. all very strict and i look after 3 occassionally unruly/excited children.
oh, have i mentioned i've kelly clarkson this saturday night? yeah i've kept forgetting. anyway, will go as i think i might infact take myself off to bed!
love ya, hope all's well!

surprise

not a surprise for you, but me, angelika came back!! my friend from germany who let just after my birthday and was replaced by the horrible sabrina, do you remember her? anyway, of course the horrible sabrina was sent home because of her drinking and her replacement did a runner so the family couldn't get a new au pair until the end of august (which'll be a german male) so angelika had been in contact and must have decided to come back and help them out so last night i was given a big surprise of watching her walk out of wal-mart and me thinking 'she looks familar' then begun hitting magda because i realised who it was! never again will magda stand near me when giving me a surprise. it was awesome.
anyway, moving on. it's so god damn hot right now, it was 37 today, about 35 yesterday. i hate the heat. yesterday i had to go to the horse races for my lcc meeting which almost saw me collapse towards the end because of the heat. i did win a little money though.
anyway, the rest of the weekend wasn't very interesting, i worked saturday arvo and went to the pool with the kids and pat, who managed to get me on the waterslide, which i quickly realised wasn't my thing. the thought of sliding down a slide and to land in water kind of freaks me out partly because i can't wear my glasses and patly because i'm scared of not taking a breath in time. so that was exhilarating in the not so fun way.
so, not much else is news. started at 7am today. what a killer that was. thank god i had a break through the day cause i slept and now i'm exhausted but i've no idea what's going on this morning because emily is going to alex's school again in the morning for the babysitting class.
and it just dawned on me that i missed my favourite tv shows. god i'm so forgetful. that sucks.
better go, i'm upset now.
have fun!

i've pretty much finished my major working hours for the week, so the next two days i'll only work about 4 hours a day, which is very nice, and the best part - i get a sleep in!! especially seeing as monday i start at 7am. my ability to function properly before 8am isn't the best around so it'll be an interesting day. i do get a break at 12 though, so i'll spend those two hours sleeping... anyway, so today, was alright, except for alex throwing sand at me because she was angry at me and for the possibility that emily may have caused people to clear out of the 0 depth area at the pool because i saw poo in it. then emily went missing and when she came running back to me, like nothing was wrong and i picked her up, so happy, i smelt her not very clean diaper. leading me to think it was her poo i saw floating. but after washing my hands i thought in retrospect that the her poo and the floaty weren't the same. how disgusting to know the difference... obviously this is what your life comes to when you have children. anyway, after that matthew managed to not find his mit or glove for baseball training and then blamed this on me (but not to me) because i was the one who'd removed it from the car on monday when i got it cleaned. but i know exactly where i put it and i know this because my train of thought had decided to put it there to avoid this very thing happening today. the mit and glove are still not found. after this little fiasco i went over to the neighbours where i got to dog sit for the now 7 week old puppy. he's very cute and playful and the best part, didn't talk back at me!
tomorrow i'm working from 11:30-4 which'll be nice. if i get enough sleep and wake by 9:30 then i'm going to go to gurnee mills and invest in the nike sandals i saw on the weekend. whilst these adidas thongs/flip flops are great my heel is still in pain because they are so easy for me to slip off... i'm paranoid sandals make my legs look funny though. ugh, such is life i guess, fashion over comfort, what a horrible dilemma. i've no idea what the go is for friday night, but magda did say to me, 'pick something nice to do'. my coises are limited. we did the movies last week, the bars are packed around here on a friday night, i don't think she's a big bowling fan and everyone is saving for something so dinner might be too much. but i just thought of a nice (read cheap) mexican restaurant that pat told me about so i might call her tomorrow morning and suggest that. i hate the role of social decision maker, at least one person is always going to shoot the idea down and not offer another suggestion, at least i always offered an alternative.
anyhow, i better get going. sorry if you emailed me this week, i've been slacking off. it took me over an hour the other night to write my sister back from the weekend. then last night, i got jane austen confused with denise austin. it did point out that my mother wasn't a literature student though as she had NO idea who jane austen was. moving on. have an aweosme weekend. i'll try and do something fun... not bloody likely. i'm not going to be able to reach my projected savings target on account of thinking there were 5 weeks in every month, not four. call me dumb, i know, those moments are becoming more and more frequent these days. anywya, my train of thought was leading me to say that on sunday i'm going to the horse races, so that at least should be fun, might gamble, mind you, i've no friggin money.
have a good one!

time keeps going

i can't remember when i posted last. all the food (not much actually) that i've eaten tonight has had this affect on me, making me feel quesy in the tummy. and i've decided to get my hair cut again on the weekend. and then pray that it gets out all the perm, finally i will be back to my normal straight hair. mind you, i'm sure the perm just invited curls to pop out of my head.
matthew told me yesterday that he loves me. i was quite taken aback but the feeling passed as emily fell off the back of a bench and i almost let the f word fly as i ran to get her. i was mortified. but there was no damage, she was just in a great shock and wouldn't let me leave her alone for the rest of the arvo. she's a little darling so far this week. last week was tough with her and this week is completely different. she even went to the potty for me twice today!! i was so thrilled with that.
my parents arrive in just over 3 weeks. i'm very excited. have started to feel a bit bummed that rach can't come. but she started beauty school on monday so that is going to consume most of her time now.
i am off to the college tomorrow to confirm my resident status as i got the bill for my class and it was $828, should be only about $250, i hope cause otherwise i'll be kicking in the rest of the funds maybe. and on top of that, my credit card is still very maxed out. it's such a depressing thing. and i need mum and dad to hurry up and book the appointment with the accountant to get my money/tax back, whatever it's called cause i need that cash. at the moment i'm going home to no back up money. i'll need a job the day before yesterday when i get home.
anyway, not much else to report on. it's strange, cause being so far away from people and closer to others has made me think about how much each friendship/relationship means to me and sometimes i feel like they mean more to me than to the other person. people warned this would happen and i said, no i've already done the move thing, can't happen to me. silly me cause it's a rude shock when it does!
best be off to bed. sleep in tomorrow, woohoo!!!
oh, i forgot to say, my nana sent me a herald sun and i actually read pretty much the whole paper, minus the sports and classifieds section (i did read the death notices though, to see if i knew someone who passed on that no one had told me about). i can't believe how much i miss australian news! especially cause i don't hear much news here.

mozzie up my pants

today's highlight: emily's 4 hour nap
today's lowlight: having a mozzie completely suck so much blood out of me that when i killed it my blood smeared out of it. it went up my pants and i had two bites on the top of each butt cheek. i mean really, it was a mild inconvenience.
apart from that fun stuff not much went on. the kids were pretty laid back today, came home from summer school an sat down and did crafts and watched tv for 3 hours (we watched madagascar and yours, mine & ours). emily slept through most of that so it was very calm. i was told again that i had somehow managed to ruin alex's day, happened yesterday too. i've never been told i've ruined someone's day before, it packs quite a punch. next time i'm really angry with someone i think i'll tell them they ruined my day. it's like a high class insult.
tomorrow is friday, hard to believe, that means payday and it means i have to begin my new task of restraining myself from shopping. should be easy enough, except i have to buy baby gifts. this week two friend's have had babies - girls, very exciting for everyone to be having girls but i'm beginning to wonder where are all the boys being born because who are these girls going to marry?? and on top of that, with dean and andy having a baby i suddenly realise that even though i kept saying i wanted kids people will be saying 'i can't believe she's a mother' seeing as i'm thinking that about dean. not a bad disbelief but hell, you think about the times you've spent with them and majority of them have been drunk, including the wedding where i got fair wasted, and i suddenly think, someone is going to think that about me. someone is going to be at my wedding one day (i hope) and they'll get drunk and have a shot sized glass of pureed apple fall on their toe (it wasn't broken like first suspected, i managed to dance) and then i'll have a baby and they'll think, i can't believe she's having a baby.
anyway, moving right along. no plans for the weekend. tomorrow night maddox the dog is having a holiday at our place, fun fun, the kids will be very worked up with excitement about that. might try and get the pool in tomorrow arvo as we haven't done that for about a week and it's very warm here at the moment, like high 20's, which is lovely weather.
well, i'll end this up now. i need to rite an email before i forget. i sent an email home yesterday with a list of four things i wanted bought over for me, i'll include it here:
nurofen plus - box of 96 as i want it to stretch
mersyndol night - will let them know if i need more than one box
migra stick - 2
1L bottle of bundy rum
that was all i asked for and i've got no response. do you think that means anything? all 4 items are VERY important to me so i'm hoping they're not pissed about my asking.
have a good weekend!!!

Happy Independance Day!

Well, what a weekend. I've spent at least an hour watching fireworks over the weekend, which thrills me! I have SO many pictures of it, will make a few scrapbook pages from those pics. Last night could was alright, the fireworks was great but so many different personalities with their own way of thinking and on top of that there was some other drama going on with one of the girls, ana, and her host family so the night ended up fucked but the fireworks were good! today i went and saw a parade, which was also fun and then i came home and went to bed due to being so tired from the past couple of days. then tonight i went down and met pat and the kids from the enighbourhood for the gurnee fireworks. it was great to be able to do that with them. so july 4th turned out to be pretty good. now i am working 10 hours a day for the next three days and and then again on saturday but that doesn't phase me as i need to save $350 this month and i don't want to do anything, like lozz said to me once (or something like this) you see kelly full on for a while then hear nothing from her for 6 months. which is my mood right now.
take care!

just quickly

i haven't posted for a few days and i currently have a 4 day weekend so i probably have no excuse. it's the 4th of july weekend, the kids are up north with their dad and i get time off. one the otherhand of that though i am anticipating a big working week as it will shortened and the hours will be stretched to get maximum use out of me!!
am heading downtown this arvo at some point and going to grant park as the chicago symphony orchestra are putting on a free performance (that's not the main reason mind you) and then there is fireworks! i love fireworks. people in the neighbourhood were letting it off the other night while i was talking to mum and i got so preoccupied that she almost hung up on me for ignoring her. lovely. tomorrow, the day itself i will go and see a parade with either kellie or magda, not sure which but i'm staying at kellie's so the polite thing would be to go with her. it's a bit of a let down actually because i always had a fantasy about how i would like to spend july 4th and it didn't include having no plans and actually feeling like a dream bubble had been popped. i make it sound like the be all and end all. it's just such an important day for most american's and i wanted to spend it amoungst patriotic paraphenalia and with having like a bbq or something. like the movies really, and i'm not. but i'm sure it'll be fine anyway.
well, i shall stop writing for now as pat is working on stuff and i'm sure my typing isn't the most lovely noise in the world, even though i'm trying to type quietly.
will leave a big update hopefully tomorrow.
have fun